Broken to Hope; The Story of a Surviving Law Enforcement Co-worker
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The prompt for this round of the FEDforum is: In what way has your organization impacted the federal workforce/law enforcement community? This week, hear from Survivors of Blue Suicide Foundation (SBS). This article was authored by an Anonymous individual in the federal law enforcement community.
I grew up in a household where hard work was part of everyday life. My father instilled in me a strong and determined work ethic. At five years old, I was helping pick up nails at construction sites he visited, at nine years old I was helping our family load the delivery trucks, and at fifteen I spent my summer helping my dad paint the house and put on a new roof. His reason for this was not to have free labor, but because he wanted me to learn to be tough and work hard, don’t quit. He also taught me to not be afraid to speak up and take charge of a situation. These things, along with my instinctive desire to want to help and protect people was a lot of what brought me to a career in law enforcement.
A career in law enforcement, whether it be as a cop on the street, a detective, a deputy, or a federal agent, is a tough but rewarding career. You see your share of ups and downs. A bad day at the office for me is a little different than a bad day at the office for my wife. Both are bad days, but she doesn’t have to worry that her mistake could cost someone their life, or someone to be hurt.
You see a lot and do a lot of good as someone in law enforcement, but you also see a lot of terrible things. After so many bad days, things can start to take their toll.
We are supposed to protect people from harm so you can imagine the severe feeling of guilt when a fellow officer, agent, deputy, detective, etc. takes their own life and you didn’t see it coming….you didn’t stop it…you didn’t protect them from themselves. I experienced all these feelings firsthand when a fellow co-worker took their own life.
Part of our job is to keep our emotions in. We must be strong, keep our cool, remain calm, stay level- headed and to do this, we must block out our emotions, keep them bottled up inside. Since we are supposed to be tough and strong all the time, it is hard to admit when you are sad or upset. When you feel the guilt or the sadness, it can make you feel embarrassed or ashamed that you feel this way. Remember, you are the tough one that protects and helps others, you aren’t supposed to need someone to help you. This thinking is ridiculous and not true, but you cannot help how you feel. After carrying all this hurt, embarrassment, and trauma inside for so long you begin to feel broken.
When I found out that I would be attending the Survivors of Blue Suicide Conference, I was dreading it. Spending four days talking about everyone’s experiences, pain and hearing their stories was the exact opposite of what I wanted to do. I just wanted to continue to bury my feelings, my guilt, my pain…my brokenness…not bring them out in the open for everyone. I was sure that this experience was going to be terrible and I that I would just be going through the motions.
When I arrived at the SBS conference I was broken. When I left the SBS conference 4 days later, for the first time in a long time, I had a sense of hope. All my preconceptions about attending the SBS conference were wrong. The guest speakers were honest, emotional, and real. They made me feel engaged, present, and hopeful. This experience was about people who experienced a similar trauma, coming together to share their story, remember their friend, co-worker or loved one, support each other, and to try and heal. The SBS conference is not just beneficial for all law enforcement departments and agencies that experience a blue suicide, but it is lifechanging.
This column from Survivors of Blue Suicide Foundation (SBS) is part of the FEDforum, an initiative to unite voices across the federal community. The FEDforum is a space for federal employee groups to share their organizations’ initiatives and activities with the FEDagent audience.
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